Stop the Ride! I'd Like to Get Off.

This whole cancer experience has been a lesson in keeping my hands and head inside the car at all times and going wherever it is this ride is taking me. Up, down, around and around.

I have just passed through what felt like a narrow spot. I wondered if the end was closer than I'd imagined. I have had a few symptoms and I was totally wondering if the cancer was starting to rage out of control (because I was told that in cases like mine, the cancer eventually just takes over.) Well, smile at myself. Things are fine. But let me describe to you a bit of the ride.

So you begin to have a few strange things happen to you. Like your arm starts to ache everyday, a spot turns purple, you find a new lump on the opposite side, you notice swelling. You move your scan up 2 weeks without even asking permission.

You start asking your self questions like, have I taught my kids enough? Do they know what they need to know? Have I loved them enough? How should I best prepare them in case they had to live without me? Am I using my time for the most important things?

Of course these are all very good questions. It would not hurt anyone to act on the answers. What is hardest though is wandering through your kids bedrooms in the middle of the night, looking at their peaceful faces and wondering if they will be okay without you.

And then the Lord is merciful and He blesses you with the assurance that everything will work out. They along with your dear husband will be taken care of.

And you think of the peaceful things, like the wonderful things you have read about the spirit world. And also that you can actually see and be with your kids and husband during times and at places you have never been able to before. It all starts to feel like maybe this is the Lord's will. And the blessing is that you have time to prepare in extra special ways that people who are taken suddenly don't get to.

And then the doctor asks what is going on and in a very nice way says things are fine. Changes, yes, but your path will still continue in much the same way as it has been going (up, down, around and around--the roller coaster will continue!) How do you feel? Your husband is very happy. The nurses are happy. Your extended family and friends are happy. Your kids have been in the dark so they just continue on. And by the next day you are happy again too.

Just hang on and enjoy the ride.

P.S. I'm on chemo again.