Part 2

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, …
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
How Firm a Foundation, Hymn #85

This hymn came to my mind often when I was on my mission. It was again to strengthen me during my struggles with cancer and remind me I am not alone.

Today I will attempt to write a few of the things I have learned from cancer.

1.Prayer matters and matters a lot. Especially during the very stressful times I could feel people's prayers for me. It always helps my heart to hear people say they are praying for me. And I hear it often. I think our names have been put on the temple prayer roll for 3 years now. It just makes me feel so loved.

2. People care about silly little me. And they are so generous.
The out pouring of love I received was unbelievable. My ward fasted for me. After my second diagnosis, my community and my family had benefits for me. Countless hours were spent planning and carrying out these amazing events. Friends and family sent me packages. Babysitting, house cleaning, meals and other services were provided for my family. Some people pass on without knowing how loved they are. I will never have to wonder. I know.

3. Earthly and heavenly help is available for the asking.
My dear friend, Luana's husband had been through cancer some years earlier. She told me I would receive drop down blessing straight from heaven. She was right. She herself was in the right place at the right time to be such a blessing for me. She called me on a critical day at the very minute I needed her. Her counsel and reassurance had far-reaching effects.

My mom was prompted to quit work at the end of 2008. Two weeks after her last day, I found out my cancer was back. She helped me in so many ways!

4. Sometimes prayers I have not even prayed are answered.

I stressed so much that I was unable to nurse Mary. A family that was new in our ward sent me an email offering goat's milk for Mary. I think Heavenly Father knew how I would feel and he provided a way for me to feel better about Mary's food. To me it was no accident that they had just moved here and could help me in that very special way.

5. I am learning that life is better if I don't complain. That one has taken me awhile. It was made very clear to me a couple of weeks ago that I needed to stop complaining. I am trying. I am trying.

6. Reading the scriptures, and other church publications help immensely. There is such peace in the scriptures. I love them.

7. There is joy in the journey. As Dennis and I waited in a room to meet Dr. Dickson we heard him in the next room joking and laughing with another patient. Dennis and I were astounded. "How can anyone laugh and be happy in a place like this?", we wondered. Well, we've learned. We came out from under the cloud and the sun was shining, revealing all our blessings.

"You are a child of God with great strength. You have the ability to choose righteousness and happiness, no matter what your circumstances."
For the Strength of Youth pamplet

8.Heavenly Father and Jesus are real. They watch over and care for us tenderly. They are anxious to bless us. Challenges give us opportunities to be humble. My sister put it best by calling it "your walk with God."

Three Years Ago Today...Part 1

It was March 30, 2007 that I received the life changing news that I had infiltrating ductal carcinoma or breast cancer. On this reflective day I'd like to share my story.

February 22-- my Mary was 2 months old and I got a breast infection on the left side. It was then that I discovered a lump. I was not concerned about it at all and I forgot about it.

On March 17 I got another infection on the right side (I thought these infections to be very strange -- in my experience, they had never occurred with me past 2 weeks postpartum) and went to urgent care for an antibiotic. I did not even mention the lump.

Interestingly, on Monday,March 19, I made "I can do hard things" posters for my kids. Sometime that week I must have rediscovered the lump but I didn't write about it in my journal, nor had I previously written anything about it, only that I'd had some infections. I did write that on Sunday March 25 Dennis gave me a blessing and I was blessed that everything would be alright. I had talked to my friend, Luana on Friday and she urged me to get it checked out. I made an appointment with a doctor for March 27.

The doctor did an exam and got me an appointment for an ultrasound for the next day. She also mentioned they may take a biopsy. I asked her if it would interfere with nursing Mary. That was my only concern! I went home and prayed so hard that they would just know from the ultrasound that there was no reason for a biopsy. I have a family history of fibroadenoma so I was pretty sure that was what I was dealing with.

This was right before I lost my hair.

So on March 28 I dropped Drew and Alexa off at Joddi's. Carolee, Mary and I went to the hospital. I took Carolee with me so she could help with Mary. I planned to nurse Mary right before the ultrasound so they could get a clear view of my benign lump. Right before I left my home I knelt and pleaded with Heavenly Father again that I would not have to get a biopsy. I felt sure my prayer would be answered. So when the radiologist said they needed a biopsy I was really disappointed. But I was still fairly sure that I did not have cancer. They told me there was a 30% chance it was cancer and that the results would be in on Friday, March 30.

That Friday morning I got up and got the kids and Dennis off to school. I showered and got ready for the day. After that I decided to sit down and read the Ensign while I waited for the right hour to call the doctor. I opened up to where I had left off reading previously and read an article called "My Burden is Light". As I was reading I had an impression that the results of my test would be positive for cancer. But I felt very calm and peaceful. I knew that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was watching over me. I knew that everything would work out. So when I got the phone call I was not totally surprised. But in hindsight I realize I went into shock. I was alone except for my little kids (the doc wanted me to come in but I insisted she tell me on the phone). It was kind of like a slow motion steam roller, not a proverbial "ton of bricks". I made a few phone calls, got Alexa on the kindergarten bus and then went to Brandon's school program that afternoon. It was a blessing to have somewhere to go so I could be around people. When I got there I realized I had forgotten to eat lunch. I couldn't eat or sleep for over a week.

I was so grateful for the reassurance I had had because for the next week or two I worried constantly. I kept thinking maybe I would wake up for this horrible dream. One amazing blessing was that Dennis was on spring break for that entire week after receiving my diagnosis. We relied on each other for strength. We grew so close together as we struggled. We did everything together, went everywhere together. I remember one afternoon that week. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I prepared dinner. I needed some reassurance. I hurried to find Dennis. He held me until I could be brave again and finish supper. It was all so surreal.

Dennis and I went to meet with Dr. Dickson sometime that week. We learned that my cancer was aggressive but fairly typical, that the cure rate was in the 90 percentile. I started chemo on April 13. I was so sad to have to quit nursing Mary. She and I shed many tears together.

I had chemo every three weeks for 6 cycles. I then had surgery to remove the tumor and a port put in so I could have Herceptin--a "light-weight" chemo every three weeks for a year. I also had 6 weeks of radiation. Then came the happy day when I had my port removed. Ironically, that day, as I was waiting for my surgery, I discovered a lump in the same breast. But my doctors did not think it was cancer so I got a 4 month reprieve before the next wave hit.

With my kids at Craters of the Moon. Here I am in my wig.

If you are new to my blog you can look here and here for that story.

To be continued tomorrow....

Two Shady Characters

Look how tall he is getting! (What is that on my face?)

TOFW

I love when this happens:Or even this because unfortunately naptime is becoming more rare:I plunk in something to listen to:And project away. I call it my Time Out for Woman.
Here are some projects that I am working on or have recently completed:Dish towels



Cards


A dress for Mary (temporarily on hold because I ran out of trim--there is supposed to be more rick rack on the bodice.)

A project I'm contemplating

Tablecloth

A mystery project (Well, it isn't a mystery to me, I just can't divulge it right now!)

I work hard in the morning and try to get my housework done so I can relax a bit in the afternoon to do something I love. I don't think there are words to describe how happy I feel when I get my TOFW. To change slightly something my friend says: "Crafting is cheaper than therapy!"

A Change For and a Story About Mary

Before After

I took Mary to get her hair cut on Saturday. She was up in the chair and doing fine until the first tug of her hair. Then it was screaming and crying for the rest of it! Nothing I did would soothe her, even singing. (I did not try dancing however--I have my limit for making a fool out of myself and Mary's screaming was enough to make me want to leave the whole scene--without her!) Anyway we survived it and I think it turned out very cute.

So one more quick crying story. Yesterday on the way home from chemo Mary unlocked her door. I pressed the lock button and she started her crying. Again nothing Dennis or I did would calm her down. She carried on for 20 minutes or more. I had completely forgotten what she was even crying about and had stopped trying to get her to stop. And was just ready to endure it all the way home (an hour's drive!) I think out of desperation (and probably a stoke of inspiration) Dennis pressed the unlock button. The crying stopped immediately. Dennis and I laughed and shook our heads. Crazy child!

PET Scan Results

I went for chemo yesterday and got the results of my PET scan that was performed a week ago. Here is what it says in part: "There is intense FDG activity corresponding to an intramammary lymph node posterior to the sternum on the left.... This has increased in intensity when compared to the prior scan. Previously this had a maximum SUV value of 7.7, now it is 12.0. The nodule has increased only minimally in size. There is also a focus of increased activity at the same level but to the right of midline, and again likely an intramammary lymph node. Small foci of increased activity along the intramammary chain, left and right, likely due to matastatically involved lymph nodes."

The nurse just handed me the paper and said the doctor will discuss it with me on my next visit. So I'm assuming, based on my experiences from the past that this is not something to worry about and does not change my treatment because I had the same chemo yesterday as I normally do. I know that PET scans can pick up things that are not neccessarily problems. The nurse did say that sometimes even the chemo can cause things to look positive for cancer when in fact it is a false positive. (I wish I knew what FDG is and I'm 100% sure that SUV is not sports utility vehicle! I'll ask all that in 2 weeks.)

A few months ago my doctor said that typically with my kind of cancer it is not a matter of if the cancer comes back but when. I try not to think about that. I like to think that there is a miracle coming my way.

But if it does come back I have to change from my current to chemo to something different I will likely not be so lucky to keep my hair. At the moment I count it a wonderful blessing to have hair. I just feel freakish without it. I think Heavenly Father, in his eternal kindness is allowing me this very tender mercy. So I try to remember to be happy for hair everyday (I still have my fair share of bad hair days but let me assure they beat the heck out of no hair days!)

So today I'm laying around taking it easy. I'm grateful I can. And I know that tomorrow will be better! Dennis did most of the cleaning up before he left for work. He also drove me yesterday and inspite of where we went and what happened it is always wonderful to get to spend the day with him. Last week he took me to my PET scan also. I feel bad he is missing so much school but he assures me that it is just fine. What would I do without him? I rely on him so much!

Book Review

I just finished reading an amazing true book called Return from Tomorrow by George Ritchie. At the age of 20 he died in a military hospital in Texas. Nine minutes later he returned to life. In this book he tells of his experience. It changed his life. But I really like that it took awhile for him to learn how to apply what he learned; he changed by degrees. He had to be taught what to do with what he had learned.

I want to just share a part of his experience that happened a year or so after his near death experience. He was with a group that freed a concentration camp in Germany called Wuppertal. Mr Ritchie was in charge of getting medical help to the newly liberated prisoners.

He met a man that was in Wuppertal that they called Wild Bill Cody because of his mustache. "He was one of the inmates of the concentration camp, but obviously he hadn’t been there long; his posture was erect, his eyes bright, his energy indefatigable. Since he was fluent in English, French, German and Russian, as well as Polish, he became a kind of unofficial camp translator.

"We came to him with all sorts of problems; the paper work alone was stagering....But though Wild Bill worked fifteen and sixteen hours a day, he showed no signs of weariness. While the rest of us were drooping with fatigue, he seemed to gain strength. ‘We have time for this old fellow,’ he’d say. ‘He’s been waiting to see us all day.’ His compassion for his fellow-prisoners glowed on his face, and it was to this glow that I came to when my own spirits were low.

"So I was astonished when Wild Bill’s own papers came, that he had been in Wuppertal since 1939! For six years he had lived on the same starvation diet, slept in the same airless and disease-riden barracks as everyone else, but without the least physical or mental deterioration....

"’It’s not easy for some of them to forgive,’ I commented to him one day. ‘So many of them have lost members of their families.’

"‘We lived in the Jewish section of Warsaw,’ he began slowly, the first words I had heard him speak about himself, ‘my wife, our two daughters, and our three little boys. When the Germans reached our street they lined everyone against a wall and opened up the machine guns. I begged to be allowed to die with my family, but because I spoke German they put me in a work group. I had to decide right then, whether to let myself hate the soldiers who had done this. It was an easy decision, really. I was a lawyer,..I had seen too often what hate could do to people’s minds and bodies.....I decided then that I would spend the rest of my life--whether it was a few days or many years--loving every person I came in contact with.’

"Loving every person...this was the power that had kept a man well in the face of every privation. It was the power I had first met in a hospital room in Texas, and was learning little by little to recognize wherever He chose to shine through--whether the human vehicle was aware of Him or not."

This book gets 5 stars from me. It is an easy read (it only took me a few hours.) and is very insightful. His view of the spirit world is a bit different from books I have read by LDS people on the same subject I think because, as he described himself, he was very selfish and spoiled. So he saw what happens to people who are slaves to bad habits on earth. Still he describes how very loved he felt and how much he wished he could stay there.

You are OK with me!

Dear Mother of Two,
I met you yesterday in my son's classroom when we both went to help. In the course of our converstaion, you asked me how many kids I had and I said 6. You then explained to me why you only had two. I just want you to know it does not matter to me. I liked you the moment I saw you. I have a great deal many struggles of my own including some that you mentioned. You possess qualities that I don't, I can guarantee it (right off the bat I could see you are out going and friendly!) But you taught me a lesson I hope I won't forget. I too feel inferior most of the time. But I am who I am. You are who you are. Let's stop apologizing. We are all trying to do our best. I can see it in you and in me. I'm going to try to be happier in my own skin.

Signed,
A Recovering Inferior

Coasters

Got the idea here.

When we were first married we needed coasters because sometimes we would eat dinner in the living room and watch the news or something (with kids we don't do that anymore--eat in the living room OR watch the news!) When I saw this idea I pulled them out and covered them with some paper I had on hand, mod podged and sprayed them with sealer. Now I just need a reason to use coasters!

Here is the bottom side.

Click below for a little video

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

Oh Nelly!

For a fun giveaway, click here.

FLOOD!

Yesterday after chemo I came home and went to bed. Dennis was doing dinner and taking care of things. But around 5:45 I did not know he had gone to take Brandon to a baseball meeting. Suddenly I heard rushing water! It sounded like it was down in the ductwork and I paniced. Sure enough when I ran to what we call the kids' bathroom the plug was in the tub, the water was on full blast and was running over the top! (Since no one would claim responsibility, we are blaming poor Mary.) Anyway, I called Dennis because I know there is a way to use the shop vac to suck up water. Meanwhile Camille and Alexa were doing their best to mop up with towels. Jeffrey did all the shop vacuuming including down inside the duct and I thought we were done. No problem.

But after sufficient time for Dennis to drop off Brandon and get home from town, he came hurrying in. He discovered that the water had run down and was flooding into the insulation under the house. Fortunately the insulation is covered by heavy black plastic and it was holding the water. He punctured it and got a couple of buckets full of water drained out of it. He also sucked out a lot more water from the vent in our living room which takes a dive and that is why I could hear rushing water in my room.

Here is the scene of the crime. Dennis also pulled out the drawers and vacuumed water that had run under the cabinetry.

Sucking out the the base of the "waterfall".

I'm so grateful Jeffrey helped out so much! I did not have to much more than supervise.